How Resident Evil 7 almost scared the gay out of me

Our night started like any other. My boyfriend and I took about twenty years deciding between Chipotle and Moe’s and finally landed on just grabbing nosh-y stuff from target and spending the night on the couch. But in an eerie twist of fate we ended up at Gamestop and my boyfriend, who never takes any interest in my gaming habits, randomly decides it would be fun to play Resident Evil 7: biohazard. You must understand, my fella doesn’t care at all about video games so you can only imagine how ready and will I was to try just about anything to experience any sort of shared interest holding a controller together on the couch…Even if it was a horror game. And even if the idea of playing it made my butthole tight.

We made it home with our bags of Doritos, Oreos and Dr. Pepper, just like any respectable pair of merry gays, and “booted up” the game.  Do games boot up anymore? I don’t know. Just go with it.

I’d love to take a step back and review my experience with Capcom’s newest addition to the acclaimed franchise like the bright eyed professional hopeful that I am. But to do so could almost be deemed as, what the youngsters call, fake news. I’ll save you the cute thought that my boyfriend and I spent the night huddled up on the couch giggling and laughing at all of the jump scares throughout Ethan’s hellish trip into this nightmarish bayou. But no. He barely paid attention as I was hooked by the eyeballs and dragged into what turned out to be one hell of a terrifyingly good time.

Let’s get this out of the way: Resident Evil 7 was the FIRST resident evil game I’ve played to completion. Get over it. We DO exist.

That being said, with or without any devout understanding of the rest of the series, Biohazard is enjoyable for anyone. I was immediately drawn in by the thick and omimous sense of dread as I made my way into the old house for the first time. In very much the same way one might enter a high budget Haunt like Universal Studios’ Halloween Horror Nights or Hallowscream at Busch Gardens. Only I’m the guy everyone brings along just to point at laugh at because he screams like a girl all night long.

RESIDENT EVIL 7 biohazard_20170119223737

I was mostly forgiving of the Xbox One’s graphic shortcomings because I was okay without having the piss scared out of me by the most incredible facial or hair models ever. The sound design and lighting effects throughout the entire game far surpassed what my nerves could handle or allowmy brain to comprehend as “good” or “bad”. What Capcom has done with RE7 is create a living, breathing horror movie which is great. If you’re into that sort of thing.

What Capcom has done with RE7 is create a living, breathing horror movie which is great. If you’re into that sort of thing.

But hear me out. I was terrified. I had to take long pauses and deep breaths before crawling into the next room I was SURE was teeming with Molded monsters hell bent on eating my innards…But I pushed through that son of a bitch until the very, tad bit rushed, end. I’m not a fan of horror but I am a fan of first person shooters so I found some strength in being able to be able to pull of a good headshot. Which turned out to really be in my favor because the game absolutely takes a turn from survial horror to straight up arcade style shooter about three quarters of the way through. And somewhere, somehow, in between plunging a chainsaw into a phychotic, invincible, backwoodsman’s body and being chased by a horde of demonic sludge monsters in an underground torture chamber; I put on my rose tinted glasses and treated every bloated, disease ridden, flesh eating monstrosity like my mom treats my homosexuality: by running in the opposite direction at whatever cost.

RE7 is not for everyone. Especially the faint hearted, Hufflepuff types, like me. But if you are looking for a solid ten to twelve hours of adrenaline pumping fun (or just have a fetish for pissing your own pants) look no further than Resident Evil 7 : BioHazard.


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